Eggman's Letter to Sonic

Dear Sonic,

Over the years, you've been a pain in my big fat ass.  I've decided to write you a  civil letter describing why I hate you.

                 STOP FUCKING RUNNING AROUND ALL OVER THE GOD DAMN PLACE FUCKING UP PEOPLE'S SHIT!  YOU. ARE. A. COWARD.  YOU THINK YOU ARE SOOOO GREAT CAUSE YOU CAN RUN FAST, OOOO WOW!  LET ME BE IMMATURE AND MESS UP THIS RANDOM SCIENTISTS EXPERIEMTNS THEN MAKE IT LOOK LIKE HE WAS AN ASSHOLE WHEN REALLY HE WAS TRYING TO IMPROVE LIFE.  HE ONLY BECAME AGGRESSIVE AFTER I RAN AROUND DESTROYING HIS SHIT FOR NO REASON OTHER THEN TO RUB MY NOSE AND GIVE HIM A BONER!

Ok, it takes longer to write in all capital letters.  Why can't you be like Shadow?  He hates me but he doesn't go around banging up my shit.  Hell, all he does is give me a boner (chest fluff), and sometimes it ani't bad when I'm alone in my lab, eating Chinese food in my underwear.

So, Sonic, come forward, be a man, and tell everyone the truth.  You started this shit, trying to get a gimmick contract from Sega because Mario over there is-a-super-star.  The werewolf gimmick was lame, and staged, the whole black knight thing…really?  You are an asshole.  I don't know where you get all the rings at to pay for this bullshit you pull out of your ass, but whatever.  LEAVE ME ALONE!

-Dr. Eggman

P.S. -…You are invited to my Christmas party this year.  I'm asking everyone to pitch in 30 rings and bring a side dish.  Don't bring the cheap stuff please.

P.S.S – You get in for free if you can get Shadow to come.

P.S.S.S – Would you, hypothetically, take a dare to rough up Shadow's chest fluff with your face (no gloves)?